“On the night you were born,
The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
“Life will never be the same.”
Because there had never been anyone like you…ever in the world.”
–On The Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman
On Sunday, my little Maxi girl turns one. Motherly posted this video last week and oh it brought me to tears. There’s something so beautiful in doing nothing and holding your baby. This past year I became a mother and I became a version of myself I love so much more. I am most proud of who I am as a mother, I am most happy as a mother and I am most content as a mother. It’s not because I have incredible instincts or that this is second nature to me. It’s all because of my Maxi.
To watch her become Maxi each and every day is my greatest privilege in life. And while I beam with pride watching her learn things each and every day, she has taught me far more than I have taught her. She has softened me, taught me patience, made me truly selfless and enlightened me to how strong I can become. She’s removed the frame of the person I thought I was and given me an entirely different perspective on the person I know I can be.
Her demeanor is sweet, she has 2 unicorns and a baby doll that she nurtures as she knows how and clings to. She’s strong willed as many first borns are, good thing she has two first borns raising her. 😉 Maxi is chatty and cheerful and ever so curious. She adores Peaches and prefers her dog’s toys to her own. She says, “Mama, Dada, Gigi and Bye-Bye.” She twirls her hair when she gets sleepy and she smiles so big when you clap for her.
She’s been easy in the ways I have needed her to be easy and she’s challenged me in the ways that God has needed me to grow. She’s made my faith deeper and my appreciation for God’s details stronger. Everything in life is more exciting with her, and I do things far more intentionally.
I’m so proud of her each and every day and want her to feel that way about me one day. When people ask what my 5 year plan is, I tell them that I don’t have one. I wake up each day and think, “What does she need most from me today?” Does she need a mom that works hard, does she need a mom that forgets the laundry and cuddles, does she need a mom that takes her to the park to play? Oh how I desperately needed a sweet little girl to rock my world and teach me to listen. I joke with everyone that when you won’t change for anyone else or yourself, God gives you a 6-pound human to change for.
Maxi, I know you won’t read this blog for a very long time if ever. But I wish you could just know a tiny glimpse of the depth of my love for you. You are the only thing in life that can bring me to tears by just grabbing my hand or saying, “Mama.” A first born is so special, because a first born gives you the quietest and most tender moments. I have a video on my phone from when the nurses handed you to me. The delivery room was so loud, and all of a sudden everyone backed away and just let me hold you. I kept saying, “You’re my baby, you’re my baby.” And since then, I have held you as much as I possibly could. I have held you while you’ve slept calmly, I have held you at midnight when we’ve both been sick, I have held you in 3 different homes through 2 different moves, I have held you during some of the hardest times this past year when only your heartbeat could calm mine and I have gladly snuck away from so many events to hold you and nurse you, feeling so happy that no one else could. I made a promise to pray each time I held you, and you my dear have heard all of those prayers. I have prayed for your future and for your health and for you to always know how much you are loved. I have prayed that you would always find happiness in your family and I have prayed you would be confident in who you are as a woman. And while I know there will never be another year in which you need me to hold you as much as I have held you now, I promise I will always be here to hold you. Having the honor to be your mother has wrecked my heart completely. Because holding you was what forever changed my world February 11th at 8:04 in the evening.
“Heaven blew every trumpet
And played every horn
On the wonderful, marvelous
Night you were born.”
– On The Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman