The Changes that Transformed My Hair

This post is four years in the making. Since going darker, I’ve received many DMs from gals who wanted to embrace their natural hair but weren’t sure what the process would be like. I’d be so wordy in response, I’d end up sending voice memos over Instagram DMs. Changing your hair is a lot deeper than the frivolous phrase we often say, “It’s just hair!” I thought I’d compile all my chatter from voice memos into a novel on the blog because, at 34, I finally learned how to care for my hair instead of trying to change it.

Born with blonde hair and green eyes, I fell into Millennial ways and started highlighting my hair very young. A bit of bleach at 13 or 14 turned into full-blown highlights around the clock at 15/16. Combined with hair loss from discoid lupus, the freshly applied highlights seemed to be one of the only things I could control when it came to my skin and hair.

I always had very thick hair, but by my tween years it became coarser and wavier. I did what all girls of that era did, and I got in a committed relationship with a Chi iron. Between the smell of Biosilk, a tanning bed, and the sizzle of a flat iron- it’s safe to say we didn’t have endless information at our fingertips explaining hair health, heat damage, color theory, or how to embrace your natural texture. I remember a girl in middle school cruelly telling me I needed straight hair to be pretty like everyone else and I should try sleeping in a beanie. I tried that, and to my surprise (and sweaty forehead discomfort), my hair didn’t become straight. After years of choosing to maintain heavily highlighted hair, combined with my love affair with hot tools, I eventually found myself frustrated by how much effort it took to keep my hair looking the way I wanted. With each baby, my new growth came in darker and darker. To the point I wasn’t just highlighting to brighten, but to fully change. I should have had the awareness to realize I couldn’t change texture, color, and try to fight an autoimmune disorder that made my hair more fragile in general. I loved the bright blonde, but I zoom in and wish I had loved my natural texture more.

When Maxi was around 4, I would notice she always reached for a blonde Barbie. She’d say things like, “The pretty doll!” As a child, it’s natural to associate beauty with your mother, but I started to wonder why she didn’t feel the same way about her own hair. Combined with people always saying, “You look so much like your dad!” I wanted her to know her natural hair color was actually mine after pregnancies. I’m a first-born daughter too, and like many first-borns, I look just like my dad. I heard it my entire childhood as I stood next to my mother; people would say, “Oh, little JD! She looks just like her dad!” I’d be holding my mom’s hand and think, “Wait, but I have her eyes, and our hands are the exact same, and I’m not a boy.” Even now, if I hear someone say a little girl looks like her dad, I always find myself pointing out something she shares with her mother, too. All little girls want to feel something of their mother reflected back at them.

One day, staring at my new growth, it occurred to me. Her hair color matched what I saw on my head. What was I communicating if I was constantly changing mine?

I looked at Paul and said I was going to go back to my natural hair color, then texted my hairdresser. And my husband was honestly relieved. He loved my hair in any state, but also knew I was tired of trying to control my hair. My hairdresser completely understood and knew how long I’d been thinking about how dark my natural was getting.

So I went to my natural. We started with lowlights; my original blog post here shares my natural levels.

But it took time- going back to my natural tone was closer to a two-year process. It is NOT a two-hour appointment.

There is a physical process of growing out your hair color, melting it with lowlights, but there is also a mental adjustment. For the first month, I’d look in the mirror and think, “I don’t look alive!” Ha. BUT GIVE IT TIME.

Although I felt a little shocked at the change, I started to hear from friends, “Wow, your makeup looks so good. You look so tan!” I hadn’t changed anything but my hair.

It made me realize there was something to leaning into your natural coloring. Now you don’t have to get into a full-blown seasonal analysis, but playing with warm and cool tones and understanding yours helped my natural hair coloring tremendously.

What Do I ask for Now?

• Lowlights close to my natural level.
• Minimal toner.
• Brighter piece around my face.
• Brightness underneath and around the ears, so a ponytail still looks dimensional. This also gives dimension based on how you style. If I have my hair straight, people think I lightened it vs. if it’s wavy.
• Little to no highlighting through the crown, so there is no obvious grow-out.
• Hair appointments approximately twice a year.

After separating from bleach, I unintentionally had a bit of a breakup with heat. When Hunt was born in 2024, Paul was traveling Monday-Friday during 99% of my postpartum. I was thrown in the deep end with three children and simply didn’t have time to heat style my hair daily. I did what I was already doing: I treated my hair like a child’s. Like Maxi’s.

I washed it. Cared for it. Braided it before bed. Left it alone.

Unexpectedly, I started to love my natural texture. The less I fought my hair, the better my hair became.

My natural wave pattern started to look better because I wasn’t constantly stretching, drying, curling, or straightening it.

I still love a beautiful blowout. I still curl my hair. I work in an industry where having styled hair is often part of my job. Before Hunt, I’d wake up, sip my coffee, and turn on my curling iron. Now, I don’t associate getting ready with fighting my hair texture. I feel most me with my natural wave and look forward to a blowout because I don’t do them often.

Heat isn’t a habit now. It’s intentional. 90% of the month I braid my hair after the shower and sleep on braids. I shake them out in the morning and wear my wave for days. I look ahead at my month and see when I have an event or need a blowout for work. I revolve the styling around that instead of how I used to revolve getting ready around heat.

One reason I used to be so addicted to heat was that it offered me versatility in my look. I could make something sleeker or fuller, depending on the look I wanted that day. Something I unexpectedly enjoyed the past few years is finding just as much versatility in heatless styles. The product and time of day I wash my hair can create different options.

Most evenings, it looks like the photo above. I section my hair into two parts, apply Kérastase oil out of the shower (typically 1-2 pumps per side), and use this brush to distribute it evenly. I braid and use a soft scrunchie like this. I sleep on them, then when I wake up, I take the braids out and tossle them. The right photo shows how it looks when I take the braids out, and I love to scrunch this Crown Affair product in to add fullness. But I embrace my natural hair in different ways, and I’ll show examples below!

Here is my hair air-dried. I don’t touch it out of the shower; I let it dry about 15-20% and scrunch in the Crown Affair mousse. I let it finish air-drying!

If I want a more “crimped” look, I focus on a tighter braid (I’ll start braiding an inch or so above my ear for this) and when I take the braids out, I just apply a pump of the Kérastase oil. I do not loosen the waves; I just gently apply the oil.

Here is a full look at my regular slept-on braid. I start the braid behind my ear and apply a mixture of the Crown Affair and Kérastase oil in the morning.

Hair Products

Before I share my favorite products, let me be clear: You don’t need to buy all of these! I’ll share the ones I attribute to hair health and what I use depending on how I’m styling my hair that day. I wanted this post to be a styling resource, so you can find my favorite hairspray (of 15 years!), the heat protectant I reach for, the product that makes your ponytail twice as thick, what I spray to tame frizz before I blow-dry, and the detangler I swear by for both Maxi and myself.

But if you want to simplify things and aren’t sure where to start, I’d recommend four favorite products

My four hair health must-haves, in order:

1. Kérastase Elixir Ultime Hydrating Hair Oil– I have a theory that 60% of people have tried this product, but maybe only 6% know how to use it. And I say that because I was one of those people! I had purchased bottles and bottles of this oil- visited a pr firm they worked with for years to test it. And I thought it was a nice hair oil. You know, the kind that you apply after styling to make your hair look pretty and smell prettier. But that is only a tenth of what I think this oil can do. One night, I was browsing and read that this oil, in particular, can be used before heat styling. I realized I hadn’t been using this product to its full potential. I had been using it as a finishing oil, when it was meant to be used in every step of my hair routine. I started to use this oil like Windex in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I apply it to mid-lengths and ends before showering to preserve my hair’s natural oils. Once a week, I’ll work it throughout my hair, including my roots, and let it sit for a few hours before I shower. I apply it after showering, before braiding, and before letting my hair air-dry. I apply it before heat styling. After heat styling. You’ll have to experiment with how much your particular hair can handle. With my texture, I can typically use two pumps without my hair looking greasy. This product truly changed my hair because it has helped soften my hair texture. What’s been so interesting is that, of all the products I’ve recommended over the years, I’ve received more messages from women telling me how much healthier their hair looks and feels after changing how they use this oil than anything else. It’s been around long before TikTok made hair oiling popular, and while hair oiling is different than a finishing oil, I use this for both.
2. Messy I am Transformed Silk Spray– I like to describe this as a Keratin Treatment in a can. The less you fuss with your hair, the more opportunity it has to be healthy. Less heat. Less styling. Less manipulation. I’ve tried quite a few products that promise that silky Brazilian Blowout finish, and this one is different. It doesn’t leave a film. It’s silky, without feeling coated. Whether I apply it to a blowout or to waves, I feel polished once it’s applied. I do have a code for this site it is KATEY15 at checkout!
3. Crown Affair Texturing Air Dry Mousse– This product enhances your natural texture, and truthfully, I didn’t know how much I’d like it. I saw it praised online by ladies with pretty manageable hair. I thought, “Well, of course your hair looks great air-dried!” But once I tried it, I realized why people loved it. What the Kerastase oil is to oils, this is to curly hair products. You can use it for definition, volume, separation, and refreshing day 3 curls. It takes 19 products on your counter and morphs them into one.
4. Messy Overnight Repair Hair Serum– Now, this is not to be confused with the Kérastase oil, although it is an oil texture. They are two products used for two different reasons. Think of the Kérastase oil as your cooking oil and the Messy Overnight Oil as the glass Tupperware container you put dinner in after. One helps you prep your hair. One helps you preserve your hair. That’s exactly how I think of these two products. The Messy Overnight Oil helps my hair look styled longer and prevents split ends. I apply one to two pumps before bed, and when I wake up, my hair doesn’t look like I’ve spent 8 hours tossing and turning. Sometimes healthier hair isn’t about what you add to your routine; it’s about what the right products allow you to stop doing- like restyling each morning. My code KATEY15 also works!

Hair Supplements & Length Retention

Now, let’s talk about what I’ve done to support my hair from the inside out!

I started taking MaryRuth’s Liquid Morning Multivitamin years ago because, like any good blogger, I was influenced by viral claims online! I immediately loved the energy benefits. I now take their liquid multivitamin (with hair growth support) first thing in the morning. The formula contains Lustriva®, which is clinically shown to grow thicker, fuller hair in as early as 3 weeks. My code for MaryRuth’s products is MROKATEY.

I think of MaryRuth’s as my everyday, and I look to Nutrafol when it’s time to call in reinforcements. I’ve used Nutrafol after all three pregnancies. It is expensive. It is a lot of pills. It works! During physically stressful times that lead to hair loss, it is the best.

Now, something new I love with Nutrafol is their new serum for length retention! It’s a really unique product with two phases- an oil phase and a strengthening phase to reduce breakage. You can apply a few drops mid-length to ends daily or before a style that puts more stress on your hair- like a tight ponytail or low bun. It strengthens your hair fiber from within, so while an oil can provide shine and hydration on the outside, this provides surface protection from the inside out. It’s very lightweight, and I don’t even notice it in my hair.

What I Wish I Had Understood Sooner

Four years later, the biggest change wasn’t a product- although I won’t live without Kérastase. It was a mindset. I stopped trying to make my hair something it wasn’t. I embraced my natural color. I learned to work with my texture instead of against it. I use heat intentionally, not automatically. I learned how to use what I bought.

If you’ve been thinking about embracing your natural color, I hope this post encourages you to give it a chance. And not just three hours after your hair appointment! It takes time. There are stages that require patience. And maybe my favorite part of this whole hair journey has nothing to do with hair health at all. Growing up, I was always told I looked just like my dad. It’s the same thing people say to my daughter, and I’ve always loved that resemblance. But somewhere along the way, after a decade plus of changing my natural hair color, I think I forgot what it looked like to see my mom in me, too. Now, at 34, with my natural hair color, I catch my reflection and see so much of her. It’s something I hadn’t realized I’d missed.